Well, if it isn't...

I know I have disappeared from the blogging world. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and my soul has been so heavy later, questioning things I have never before, uncertain about basically every aspect of life, in need of rest and clarification.

I wouldn't do that here - I mean, write about my anxieties, fears and my recent epiphany (aren't you curious!). No one needs to know what goes on in this very strange mind of mine, so I will not write here anymore.

HOWEVER, to the wine lovers...I have a new blog. I will really start on it this coming week. And yes, I will write about wine and whatever interesting topic I come across whilst living in London, working as wine advisor (in a luxury Department store) and presenter, studying for my WSET Level 4.

I am veeery excited about it. Here is the new link

                                             Bottled Poetry  

Wine is bottled poetry, get it? :)

It has been a pleasure. Thank you for stopping by and hope to see you soon!

hush

I know a personal blog is about sharing. In this day and age that nothing is private, with Facebook, blogspot, twitter and everything else...our lives are supposed to be an open book. With a blog that is literally the case, but I have to learn when keep some things to myself.

So I will wisely not speak about my relationship anymore, not as I did in my last post, as it makes people uneasy. Everyone wants to hear about loving, healthy relationships, with lots of care and love. When someone talks about one which is not going well, we immediately think "Well, I wouldn't take that" "That guy is a bastard" "Why would she put up with that?" or just silently worry if our own partners are behaving like that too - but are just more discreet.

I don't think I have ever liked relationships...I like love. Isn't that childish? I don't like the living together, the sharing of domestic chorus, the interaction with your partner's family, the jealousy as there are other attractive people around, who will be attracted to your partner. I hate all of that. Some people, much more emotionally mature than me, handle everything so well, effortlessly, and like everything that comes with it. Even the fact that having a king size bed, your partner always end up really (read too) close to your face, snoring, mouth open (read bad breath) and occasionally drooling on your pillow (ohhhh, how I hate that).

I know you are supposed to take all of that, the good and the bad, with marriage, but I don't think I'm up for that.

So...I just shared a lot again now but, you know, I'm just speaking in general terms (yeah, right).  And was just wondering if people secretly think like me, but still want to be married and live together and have children because there's what you're supposed to do and what everyone expects you to.

I was thinking lately that maybe, after all, I don't want to have children. I want to travel between two (faraway) countries and there's little practicability in that when it involves little ones. I love children, but do I want to give that up for them?

If I am not emotionally intelligent enough to handle a husband, how would I handle children?

Anyways, I think I am having an about to turn 30 crisis. I want those times back. When I'd come from work to MY home to see MY cats, have my bottle of wine ALONE in the bathtub or in front of the TV/computer, cook for ONE, leave all the dishes there unwashed cause I can't be bothered, putting some music on and dancing in front of the mirror not worrying if I looked silly and finish the day talking to my BOYFRIEND on the phone...no fights, just telling him I miss him and planning when we'd see each other again, when he'd come over...for just ONE night, of course.

Right. I've got to work more on trying to keep my trap shut, or my fingers wandering away on the keyboard.

My husband is a flirt - or why we cannot have it all

All is nice at work department, for a change. I am learning a lot, I like the people I work with, I drink every single day using tasting as an excuse, the customers truly want and respect my opinion.

The day before yesterday I had to work on my own while my French (and handsome) boss was in a meeting, and I was quite proud of myself for managing. I was particularly proud when I a French lady entered the shop and I had an entire conversation with her in French! And I advised a French person about wine! French wine, even!

So I was quite content with myself and my life, until I arrived home.

You see, my husband...long before middle aged crisis, and before we even had children (I am rethinking the whole child thing now), has become a flirt. You know, that guy that hits on people to test himself, see if he still got it because he's an insecure pig? You know, the guy you want to punch on the face? 

sigh. Yes, that seems to be him now.

I know, he used to hit on me when we worked together too. But I didn't see him hitting on anyone else, so I thought "Well, he fancies me. He really does. And only me"

Come to think about it now, he didn't have many options at the place we used to work, and not many girls found him attractive anyways (I heard a lot of "You are too pretty for him" from my colleagues).

But anyways...I digress.

I saw a mobile text from him  to a couple of girls at his work...the kind which shows just too much intimacy. Too much for my liking. Definitely flirty. Most definitely inappropriate.

I confronted him, he said it was normal, it was no big deal, and that I was making a big thing out of nothing.

That made me madder.

He even said mild flirtation at the work place is completely common and everyone does it.
Fuming.

Well, I don't! And my boss is something (Tall, slim, blue eyes, French and knows about wine)

And his behavior extends outside the workplace. I have noticed him ogling women when I am right there, and the side smile. You know, my dear husband has this once charming, now irritating Clark-Gable-style side smile. And he's got a dimple too (I have one too but don't use it for evil purposes). My mother used to say he used to look like he had a stroke when he smiled ("Why doesn't he smile with both sides like normal people?" "I don't know, mum")

He also tends to make his voice deeper when he's around an attractive woman. Quite annoying.

I am sick and tired of being always the jealous one. So I am starting to learn from him. I will now sometimes pretend I got a mobile message and grin and pretend to look embarrassed. "Why are you smiling?" "Nothing", I say, and put the phone away. I know it infuriates him. But he'd never say anything.

I also take long glances at attractive or just acceptable looking men and when talking to a male, even if he's a shop assistant, I make eye to eye contact, and smile, and change my voice slightly too.

I still haven't had any reaction from my husband. But I will.  

God I will.

All's well that ends well

The title and the photo gave it away. Yes, things are much better now.

I am now working as junior manager of the wine shop who interviewed me a while ago (I couldn't take the job back then, and now I wish I had). I am really enjoying it.

It is a very small team of nice people. French and Italian. We are all married, all down to earth, all in love with wine and football, which means we do get together to drink wine while watching the world cup matches.

(England, Italy and France are all out, but I am still cheering for Brazil.) 

It is very relaxed, very easy going and even though I am earning less and working more, I feel this is definitely a much better suited position for moi.

We talk about wine with each other and with customers, we cook good Italian or French food and work hard too - but always with pleasure. It is inWimbledon (South London) and since the famous tennis matches are on now, we are quite busy, with lots of famous tennis players, and many Americans and Australians customers- who we always try to convert to French wine drinkers.

As for home, I moved back to mother in law's, with the condition we would look for a place immediately. And we are. Though me and my husband disagree about the budget. The thing is...he is cheap and I am not. But we are trying to compromise. 

Things with him improved anyways and he is definitely trying to be more attentive and negotiate his time at work and have the same days off as I do (in retail we can do that).

In the end - hoping this is the at least temporary end of our problems - everything worked out for the best. I do not regret having left. As a friend of mine says (are you there, Erika?), every husband should feel like they could lose their wife, at any moment.

And mine certainly does now.

I hit a new low

And I really thought things couldn't get worse...

Went to buy a shirt for my by job interview tomorrow. And since everything was so cheap there, decided to also purchase a spring coat (as you should in the windy, rainy english summer). Card declined.

I asked the checkouts girl to just put the shirt through. Card declined again.

Right. I was holding the queue and people were staring at me, so I decided to leave with my head down.

Went to check my balance: 4 pounds. That's all I have until the end of the month. As my only real friend around here is in Spain (she had the ticket booked already and I told her I couldn't go with her, which was wise, I couldn't afford a holiday), I had to call my husband, who didn't even try to call me these past couple of days.

So I will see him today, and I ask for money.

We all should get a lesson from this: If you want to quit everything, just make sure you have enough money to do it.

I quit my job. And I quit my home.

I have been away from this blog for a while. And I am not going to lie, it was not because I was extremely busy with my hectic but exciting life. No. The truth is I have been in great pain lately.

I had the hugest, most dramatic fight with my husband. I cried and yelled and truthfully, I wanted to hurt him. Now I am not going to details about the reasons of the fight. It happens with every couple, doesn't it? But this time, I had enough. I had enough living in that house and that every argument I had with my husband, my mother-in-law  was somehow listening, and then defending her son to me- as he is such a good boy and has the best intentions at heart. No, I wasn't taking that anymore, and since Martin refused to get out of his mother's, I did.

I packed and went to a friend's house in North London. I caught the last train in tears. The pain was so much I wasn't ashamed of crying in front of anyone. I called my sister sobbing, and she told me to stay strong, and do what I believe is right.

It is been almost a week and I have not weakened. Is he sending me texts and e-mails to have me back? Absolutely. Did any of these convince me? Hell no. Texting and e-mailing is too easy. Too easy.

I would never stop him taking me for granted if I gave in immediately. So I am staying strong, as my sister told me to.

Then, as I am now in North London, the commute to the south of Surrey, where I work, wouldn't be doable. It would just be impossible. I might as well work in Paris and the Eurostar will get me there at the same amount of time. So I told work I needed some days off due to unforeseen circumstances. Today they called, putting some pressure on me to return to work. So I quit. I will never return there. It was a relief.

I hear people just taking it, a bad relationship and a bad job. They are miserable but they will not give up. They see it as something grand, fighting for it, sticking to it, taking it until it drains all your energies. People glorify all who refuses to quit, no matter what. That's fine, but I don't. I rather quit.

Am I scared? I am terrified. I can't live at my friend's forever, I have no idea how to fix my precociously problematic marriage, I am scared I will not get a job soon.

But I am not sitting still watching the world cup drinking a beer (although I do that too), I am looking for jobs and have already an interview on Monday.

So here it is (raise glass) for all quitters. If they say everything happens for a reason then we should be fine.

I've cheated on my job...again

This is it. I am a serial cheater. Job cheater, at least. I had sent my CV to a chain of wine shops a week ago. And was invited for an interview (Seems my CV looks pretty decent). I pulled a "sickie" to attend it, and also to do a sparkling wine tasting. Once again, I thought the interview was rubbish (and I thought I was rubbish at the tasting as well), and once again, I was wrong. They called me up for a trial day, which fortunately was on a Saturday, so I wouldn't have to pull another sickie.

Meanwhile, I got paid. My first paycheck. I was quite happy about it, and started to think (on the way to work):"Mmmmm, maybe this isn't so bad. Maybe I am being too picky, too critical. I don't work that many hours a week, the money is good, the job is easy". So I went to work with one thing on my mind, I was going to evaluate how bearable my job was. Right.

I left work thinking "I am so tired, I got up so early, this "effing" train journey is so bloody long, that Lucy girl is a total bitch, I didn't even get a lunch break today, I really dislike my boss, and work itself is just ridiculous". How is that for an assessment?

So I went to the trial day at the wine shop. I really like wine shops, someday I hope to have my own, or have a wine bar. The manager looked a bit creepy, but he loved me. He immediately asked me to pick up any bottle in the shop and sell it to him, and so I did. He then said "Congratulations, you've got the job". That was the shortest "trial" ever.

Then he put me under a blind tasting, which I got at least country and grape varietal right. And for the rest of the time, we drank. Even champagne.

It seems they drink something every day, using customer tasting as an excuse. Or an excuse of "we have to drink to get to know the wines". I was fine with it.
On the way back, in the train, I saw my boss - the one I said I really dislike, remember? - and really felt like a cheater getting caught. Gladly, I looked slightly drunk on a Saturday  afternoon so he would never guess I was at a job interview, or trial.

The job is for junior manager, by the way. I thought it was interesting as I have never managed a wine shop before and would like to know how it really works. The progression to Branch Manager is supposed to be fairly straightforward and quick.

Thing is...it is more hours and less money. As I am dying to leave my mother-in-law's house, that should be taken into account, no? Should  I just do what I think would make me happier? And will more money make me happier? After all 400 pounds less a month is a lot. With 400 pounds I can have a great holiday (here in Europe, obviously), buy lots of clothes or my new wishlist item: The Phillips Lumea (my dream is to live a hairless, happy life).
If anyone has a word of wisdom anyone out there, it would be much appreciated. I tried asking my husband with the most depressing and disappoint results.